Uhuru Kenyatta Scared Shit-less at the Prospect of Spending Prison time with Ruto in same cell

Assistant Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta said today he will not serve his prison sentence with Ruto in case the ICC convicts them for the 2008 election violence that left 1500 Kenyans dead.

‘I will not spend a day in the same Prison cell with Ruto,’ Mr. Uhuru said. ’We argue too much, I don’t trust him one bit, plus he stinks!’

Mr. Uhuru is scared that Ruto might sneak a knife from the kitchen, if he gets to work there as a trustee, or fashion one out of a tooth brush and stab him while in his sleep.

‘That guy is innovative and ruthless, despite the smiles and stuff. He will come up with a way to kill me in prison or bully me into giving him my food. I can starve out there and no one would know. He is a rather scary fellow. You know, I have had a pretty privileged upbringing; my forte is stealing Government funds and corruption. But this guy Ruto, he is used to being ruthless. That scares me shitless’
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Mr. Uhuru says he prefers being jailed with the diminutive radio journalist Joshua  Arap Sang. ‘With Sang in the same cell I can get a shut-eye especially if I sleep on the top bunk. The guy is a midget. He cant even reach me on the top bunk. That will be a relief’, Uhuru said amid laughter from his friends at the Nairobi safari club.

Though sounding light and unconcerned Mr. Uhuru is a worried man. He said he is worried about being sent to a Serbia prison. The ICC, which has no prisons for the convicted felons, has a deal with various governments to house the prisoners: Denmark, Serbia, mali, Austria, Finland, Britain and Denmark.

Serbia Prisons have a rather bad track record. Witnesses have described harrowing experiences in the hands of the guards there. Bosniak and Croat detainees have been beaten repeatedly by Serb captors. The guards have a habit of beating the detainees before breakfast, lunch and dinner. They use all kinds of weapons: axe handles, chains, sticks.

‘I wont last a day in a Serbian Prison. I would rather be sent to a ‘nice’ prison in England or finland. I hear their eggs and bacon are pretty good. Still, England or Finland, I don’t want Ruto in my prison cell. They can send him to Serbia for all I care’, Ruto said.