Kenya Politicians Vow To Out-do Each Other With Archaic Remarks This Campaign Year

Kenyan politicians yesterday in Parliament vowed to make these campaigns the dirtiest yet. They vowed to engage each other with smearing tactics, hooliganism and shameful verbal attacks.They vowed there will be no censure-ship and no apologies.

They will attack Muslims, homosexuals, Midgets, cross-dressers and other 'weird' religions like Buddhism. In short, nobody will be spared in the effort to excite their voters. The only topic out of bounds, the Politicians agreed, is attacks on their ethics. There will be no disclosures about past corruption activities, past or present mistresses and other indiscretions. Any attacks based on an opponent's morals or ethics will not be tolerated. 

As Kenya elections approach most Kenyans are bracing themselves for the deluge of ridiculous comments that will be uttered by politicians during their campaigns.

“Kenya’s politicians are known for their extremely ridiculous, exaggerated comments and promises that border on the outrageous’, Political Science Professor, James Muchiri said recently as he lounged in his spacious office at Times Tower in Nairobi where he runs a political consultant business. He is rich and well connected in politics, so he has to know what he is talking about. He is both the advisor and organizer of political events, and at times the speech writer for the elite politicians.

‘I tell them, if you want to be elected in Kenya, you have to make outrageous comments. You have to make promises that are total lies. Promise every voter a job, every youth some sort of small business loan or grant when you get elected, every parent a meal on the table, every child free education and books. Get hooligans to intimidate your opponent, pit people against each other. These are the tricks of making it in Kenya politics.’

An independent pew that follows the Kenya political climate based in Langata states that they expect jarringly anachronistic remarks about gender, religion, abortion and homosexuality. They also expect immediate denials of the said remarks the very next day if the public is angered by the comments.

‘We should expect to hear ideas and comments that even to the most uneducated Kenyan will find stupid. These ideas will be repeated, applauded and emphasized continuously on every campaign stop’. Prof. Muchiri continued. ‘They will promise to eradicate poverty entirely, eradicate drought-essentially make it rain. They will promise massive growth in every industry by almost 100%. The beauty of it is that most voters will totally hang onto every word, they will believe in every promise’.

‘There is no forethought really’, Kamau Wanjiru, a campaign organizer for a Nairobi MP says with a laugh. ‘They will say things that no reasonable, informed Kenyan will ever believe. Most politicians just launch into this diatribe of monstrous, archaic remarks that are often met with ardent applause. Though most of these politicians are well read-most hold advanced degrees, even PhD’s-their ravings will sound like the ranting of a degenerate or imbecile’.

Scholars in Kenya and abroad say that some of the out-dated concepts and promises, if ever enacted, would leave Kenya either on the verge of bankruptcy or in starvation. But scholars also say that it’s these promises that get the politicians elected.

‘When you go campaigning in Mathare, Kibera slums or some poor locales in the Country you have to come with the promise of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (the end of the rainbow being your election). You have to say bigger lies, make more promises than your opponent  to win the hearts of your voters ‘, a scholar at the University of Nairobi said with a chuckle.

So now as the campaign season is upon us, expect the biggest liars in the country to shine.